Do you think sex is more satisfying when it happens spontaneously or when it’s something that you plan ahead of time? If you’re like most people, you probably said the spontaneous kind is better.
So, what if I told you that planned sex could be just as good (if not better) than spontaneous sex? You probably wouldn’t believe me. But hear me out. In this article, we’re going to explore how planned sex can completely transform your sex life.
Busting the Spontaneity Myth
I completely understand why planned sex gets a bum rap. The sheer idea of planning out a sexual encounter just doesn’t sound sexy because that’s not the way we’ve learned that sex is “supposed” to happen.
In both the popular media and the world of porn, the sex just…happens. There’s a spark, and then the clothes start flying. It’s intense, passionate, and urgent. And nobody pulled out a calendar.
And when spontaneous sex like this happens in real life, it can be really exciting and a lot of fun. But the idea that sex has to be spontaneous in order to be good is a myth. And hanging onto this idea might actually be holding our sex lives back.
Research finds that believing that spontaneous sex is the best kind doesn’t actually translate to higher sexual satisfaction in spontaneous vs. planned encounters. In fact, on average, people seem to find sex similarly satisfying regardless of whether it occurred out of the blue or was scheduled in advance.
In other words, spontaneity doesn’t inherently make sex better. And this might sound counterintuitive, but if we only ever wait around for the spontaneous kind to happen, we might end up having a lot less sex in our lives.
Just think about it: in order for spontaneous sex to happen, you and your partner both have to be in the mood at the exact same moment. However, in long-term relationships, finding those moments where you and your partner are perfectly sexually aligned can be rare. Most of us lead busy lives that just don’t leave a lot of room for spontaneity. And when a partner spontaneously initiates sex at a moment when you’re not feeling it, that can feel more annoying than it does sexy.
Also, for many people, the primary way they experience desire for sex isn’t as a lightning bolt that comes out of the blue. For folks with responsive desire, they typically need to feel arousal first before desire sets in. So, if they’re just waiting around for a spontaneous urge to kick in, they might end up waiting a very, very long time.
What Planned Sex Is—And Isn’t
The belief that planned sex is inferior stems from two mistaken ideas: (1) that arranging sex in advance necessarily takes some of the fun out of it and (2) that planning sex means there’s a problem in your sex life.
Planning sex is not a sign that your sex life or relationship is in trouble. To the contrary, it’s a sign of intentionality, strong communication, and active investment in your relationship.
Planning sex requires couples to talk openly about desire and to create space for intimacy in your lives. It signals that you’re prioritising your relationship and that your connection matters enough to actually make time for it.
And just because the sex is planned in advance doesn’t necessarily make it any less enjoyable. Think about it this way: we plan all of the other fun things we do in our lives, such as vacations, game nights, and happy hours with friends. However, just because we arranged those things days, weeks, or even months in advance doesn’t sap any joy from them.
When it comes to planning sex specifically, it can actually make the experience better in many ways. When we know that sex is going to happen, it creates anticipation. This allows arousal to start building, which is really important if you’re someone who typically only experiences responsive desire.
It also encourages us to take steps to be in the right headspace when it’s time for sex. Knowing that sex is coming gives us a nudge to start shifting gears ahead of time so that we can feel relaxed, ready, and turned on. In this way, planned sex creates the conditions that make desire and pleasure more accessible.
Planned sex also means that you’ll be prepared in other ways when the time comes. For example, lube will be handy. The toys will be charged. You’ll have everything you need for a fun and memorable time together.
How To Plan Sex in a Way That Feels Sexy
So how do you go about planning sex in a way that feels sexy to both you and your partner? Here are some helpful tips:
- Plan the time, but don’t plan out every single detail. This allows for your sexual encounters to still have some element of spontaneity and mystery, which can fuel excitement. If you already know everything that’s going to happen in advance down to the last thrust, it can be easy for sex to feel predictable and boring.
- Talk about the sexual vibe you’re seeking, which might change from time to time. For example, maybe this week you’re in the mood for something slow and affectionate. But next week, perhaps you’ll be in the mood for something really spicy. Again, you’re not establishing the complete play-by-play. You’re just getting aligned in terms of your feelings and preferences so that the sex meets everyone’s needs.
- Use anticipation as foreplay. For example, you might send each other some flirty sexts to build up excitement. Maybe you’ll put on some sexy underwear early in the day to start getting in the mood. Or perhaps you’ll take some time to set the scene by putting on a sexy playlist and dimming the lights.
- Build time in your schedule to prepare. Desire doesn’t always flip off and on like a switch. To make sure you’re ready when the time comes, make sure you’ve allowed yourself some time to mentally and physically get ready, which might mean wrapping up work a little early, taking some time for self-care, and/or slipping into something that makes you feel sexy.
- Recognise that the best laid plans don’t always get you laid. A planned sexual encounter doesn’t always work out the way we want it to. An emergency might pop up. You might have an unexpectedly bad day. One of you might be feeling a little under the weather. Don’t force it if the conditions aren’t right because that rarely turns out well. Needing to reschedule isn’t a failure—it’s a sign that you’re paying attention to the context. Planned sex is best when it’s flexible and responsive to the needs of each partner.
Takeaways
Spontaneous sex is great when it happens. But spontaneity alone isn’t what makes for truly great sex. Also, expecting that sex should always be spontaneous isn’t a realistic for most people.
Scheduled sex creates opportunity and the right conditions to cultivate desire, while also helping to align sex with each partner’s needs.
Planned sex doesn’t kill desire. In fact, to the contrary, planned sex may very well help to keep passion alive.